There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
