I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
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This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
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someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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