You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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