you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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