I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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