I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
