if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
