My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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