I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
