just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
