Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
