First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
