The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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