i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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