PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
