I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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