He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
