he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
