I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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