We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
honey bunches of taint.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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