You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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