Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
