god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
