I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
