sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
