we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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