I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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