If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
