I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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