I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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