Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
