I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
