Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.