i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.