I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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