The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dating After Heartbreak
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.