The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I love having hate sex.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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