but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
