And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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