glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
