Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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