The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
