I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
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The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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