when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
