I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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