Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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