My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
