Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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