He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
barbara walters just said penis...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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