Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
vagina is talking i cant
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
