We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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