Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
