she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
