so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
