I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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