sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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