Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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