My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So squirting runs in the family.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
